Introduction
Friendship is an important component of our intimate lives. Given its importance, it is not surprising that a number of philosophers including Aristotle have written on the subject. In the Nichomachean Ethics, Aristotle (350 BCE/2009) distinguished between friendships of pleasure, friendships of utility and friendships of virtue. Two millenia later, the French philosopher and political activist Simone Weil would present her contribution to the growing canon on friendship. Waiting for God (Weil, 1951/1973) is a collection of letters and essays from Weil to the Reverend Father Joseph-Marie Perrin. Included in the collection is an essay on what Weil describes as the “miracle” of friendship (Weil, 1951/1973, p. 205). Based on the essay, I describe what friendship is and what it is not.
What Friendship Is
Friendship is a union of equals. In a friendship, both individuals need each other, value each other and value themselves. Weil (1951/1973) defines friendship as a “an equality made of harmony” (p. 204). According to Weil, “[t]here is harmony because there is a supernatural union between two opposites […] necessity and liberty”, and “[t]here is equality because each wishes to preserve the faculty of free consent both in himself and in the other (p. 204). To paraphrase, two individuals are friends if both of the following conditions are satisfied:
Necessity Condition. In a friendship, both individuals need the other. In other words, at each end of a friendship is an individual whose “vital energy” is “decrease[d]”, whose “life force” is “diminished” or who is “weakened” if the other individual is lost (Weil, 1951/1973, pp. 202-203). It is important that the need is felt on both ends. Otherwise, if “the necessity contained in the bond of affection [exists] on one side only”, then “there is only friendship on one side” (p. 205).
Liberty Condition. In a friendship, both individuals desire freedom for both themselves and the other. In other words, in a friendship, both individuals desire “[t]he central good for every man [which] is the free disposal of himself” (p. 202). Further, it is also important that there is “[a] certain reciprocity” such that not “all good will is entirely lacking on one of the two sides” (p. 204).
Both of these conditions constitute the “miracle” of friendship “by which a person consents to view from a certain distance, and without coming any nearer, the very being who is necessary to him as food” (p. 205). To illustrate, Weil (1951/1973) uses an analogy from the Bible (p. 205):
“If [Eve] had been hungry at the moment when she look at the fruit, and if in spite of that she had remained looking at it indefinitely without taking one step toward it, she would have performed a miracle analogous to that of perfect friendship.”
The analogy illustrates the necessity condition when it describes Eve’s need for the fruit because she “had been hungry”. And it illustrates the liberty condition when it describes Eve as “looking at [the fruit] indefinitely without taking one step toward it”. Nonetheless, its illustration of both the necessity condition and the liberty condition are incomplete because it fails to capture the “reciprocity” that “is essential in friendship” (p. 204).
What Friendship Is Not
Friendship is not a union of unequals. In fact, a friendship degrades into an “adulterous union” (p. 207) if either individual does not value the other or does not value themself. From her definition of friendship, Weil argues that “[a]ll friendship is impure if even a trace of the wish to please or the contrary desire to dominate is found in it” (p. 205). First, two individuals are not friends if either individual desires to please the other. This is because the individual who wishes to please the other does not desire freedom for himself and violates the liberty condition. Second, two individuals are not friends if either individual desires to dominate the other. This is because the individual who wishes to dominate the other does not desire freedom for the other and also violates the liberty condition.
It is for this reason that friends should not expect a complete agreement in opinions. Weil writes (p. 207):
“The simple fact of having pleasure in thinking in the same way as the beloved being, or in any case the fact of desiring such an agreement of opinion, attacks the purity of the friendship at the same time as its intellectual integrity.”
Because “the desire to please and the desire to command are not found in pure friendship” (p. 206), there is no friendship if an individual changes his opinion because he desires to please the other, or if he changes the other’s opinion because he desires to dominate him.
Conclusion
In Waiting for God, we are privileged to be able to catch a glimpse of Weil’s understsanding of the miracle of friendship. In her account, because friendship requires two individuals who both need and value each other and themselves, friendship is adulterated if either individual succumbs to the desire to please, or the desire to dominate, and sacrifices liberty as a result. Of course, Weil is just one of numerous philosophers who have written on the nature of friendship. The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy provides an accessible overview on what other philosophers have written on the subject (Helm, 2021). Philosophical articles on friendship have also appeared in media outlets. In The Guardian, Weaver (2023) reports that it is a “moral duty to allow family and friends to make big life choices”, and Chrisafis (2023) shares how friendship can be a form of rebellion. In The Conversation, Katz (2023) distilled three lessons from Aristotle on friendship, and Durrant (2023) describes how philosophy can help us become better friends. Perhaps philosophy can, indeed, help us become better friends.
References
Aristotle. (2009). Nicomachean ethics (W. D. Ross, Trans.). The Floating Press. (Original work published c. 350 BCE).
Chrisafis, A. (2023). French philosopher urges people to rebel - by making friends. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/mar/06/french-philosopher-geoffroy-de-lagasnerie-friendships
Durrant, N. (2023, July 20). Friday essay: How philosophy can help us become better friends. The Conversation. https://theconversation.com/friday-essay-how-philosophy-can-help-us-become-better-friends-200063
Helm, B. W. (2021). Friendship. In E. N. Zalta & U. Nodelman (Eds.), Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/friendship/
Katz, E. (2023, July 27). Three lessons from Aristotle on friendship. The Conversation. https://theconversation.com/three-lessons-from-aristotle-on-friendship-200520
Weaver, M. (2023). Advising others on crucial life choices immoral, says Cambridge philosopher. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2023/jan/26/advising-others-on-crucial-life-choices-immoral-says-cambridge-philosopher
Weil, S. (1973). Waiting for God (E. Craufurd, Trans.). Harper & Row. (Original work published 1951).
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